I guess when you’re young, the whole reason of life is finding the meaning of being. looking for words of wisdom about every single misery and joy happen around you. trying to find a lead to get out of confusion. being a drama queen. being over excited over nothing. being over depressed on minor accident. was it good those days? I don’t quite remember. I was always cynical and skeptic. not very easy to believe. but never once I felt at lost.
is the secret I was not willing to share, is the story you would not want to listen. is what always got me so lonely.
I could not resist the temptation. although in the end it only make me sad. but I miss him the most. He is in fact already a blurry memory from years ago, like an old picture fades on white and brown tone. But the warm and secure I received from him is still clear to me. when I needed the most, he is the man. save me from misery as I saved him his love the day I was conceived. such a funny fate that lingers between us. I gave him what he wants for exchange of my life. and he gave me the world as exchange of his.
this temptation of take a sneak peek of what might have been was so very strong. despite of the sadness, there is a glimpse of a dream never to be told, never to come true.
what to do when life suddenly takes the unexpected turn? or is there such things as unexpected turn?
In the last a month, I’ve been juggling to finish my writing for master thesis. wake up to bunch of plan and worry in my head. even go to bed still thinking how would I analyse this and that. But yesterday I decided to stop for while, a day or two. just to take a step away from my writing for a while, maybe then I got a different angle of what I have been writing.
For the first few hours, I was beyond happiness, watched the office in rally, tracing back Jim and Pam story. Then after that, I was left with nothing..suddenly I felt that nothing interests me anymore. so boring to the point where I was not even tired enough to go to bed. So looked at the book besides my laptop, grab it and start reading. verification for qualitative data analysis. Put my favorite drama on, and start reading. Finish one chapter and then I am sleepy.
amazing how I can always train myself to obey the regularity of my mind. how it goes in my brain is that I always arrange my brain to only deal with one thing at the time, for quite a long period until I am finished. I did not allow too many distraction. just one at the time. During husband’s visit, It was hell for me trying to concentrate to my thesis. So I just drop it and enjoy his company during the 3 months he was here. Few days before going home, he said,” I am going home now and you must be very happy, coz you can go back to your busy life again. busy with yourself.” Apparently he knew that I enjoy me time too much, and juggling between wife and student is not my area of expertise. *shy
But this habit started to bother me now, cos I want to have a baby and starting my PhD at the same time. Am I greedy? oh dear no! I am just running out of time. I want to have baby and PhD before turning 35….oh wait, yes I am greedy. dear husband if only you know I would be like this, maybe you’ll think hundreds of time before take me down the aisle.
at the silent and cold night like now, when I suppose to work on my current academic obsession, I can only think of you. Laying on our bed thousand of miles away. the though of you kept me warm and sane. you, my pain in the ass partner, wonder why GOD brought us together….or is it just me being stubborn? hi3x
miss my best friends the most. some of them are everywhere in the world, pursuing higher degree of stupidity abroad. my turn will come too soon, pursuing personal head damage. but some of them is back home, i just miss being trapped in the conversation with them, laughed a lot. cursing the world and what life brings even though we’re no longer teenagers. over a glass of coffee and cigarettes. maybe this is why I refuse to surrender to being 30 and over. I just don’t know how to act like an adult. a reasonable well-mannered adult. some other days maybe
been thinking about my priority lately. strange how nothing seems important to me anymore. nothing seems worth to fight for anymore. nothing really moves me anymore. one time at my friend’s funeral I forced myself to cry only cos my other friends cried. seems like no tragedy can move me anymore. no worry can startle my being. maybe I learn to live and let go damn too well.
well oh well…what in the world has happen?
so tired of you and your whining that I thought of quitting.
so frustrated being by your side that I thought of not going back.
u really put me in the corner of no defense, even when i say sorry, still tons of mistakes.
what did I wrong? no…what did I do right?
how in the world one can do all the things wrong such as me? how in the world I can only do wrong?
maybe I should just stop do and let go? Puzzled.
really!
one of the most anticipated event here in amsterdam is gay parade, a boat parade along one of the main canal. I, myself, is always curios about it. So I was there yesterday, at the start point of the parade, with thousand of people.
The music was loud, each of the boat and even the spectator’s boat turns on their music, people were dancing on and off the boat. the beer keeps flowing from the nearby bar. I was standing in between 2 groups, in front of me was a group of dutch at my age, going crazy about the parade. Their shouts and dance attract the participants. and behind me is couple of oma and opa hahaha……but it was fun, even when of the guy in the crowd decided to pee on the canal, people just laughed. nobody is being hurted. The atmosphere was really joyful, guess I am standing at right spot between these two contradict groups.
on the boat, as expected, the gay people dance with provocative costume, revealing most of their upper body part. what a view! six pack and so so so sexy!….and they’re gay, oh well! they’re just happy and free. In the second boat during the parade, there was a wedding ceremony took place, the groom and groom were saying I do right in front of my spot and then kissed each other passionately. And then a few boats latter, the police’s boat passed throu’ the canal with complete uniform, gay policemen and women. the police and rainbow flags hanged side by side.
Standing there, I was so happy and touched. They are also one of us after all, and should be treated equally. Seeing their happy faces I realized that human are just too judgmental. Maybe being gay is not the normal life according to some people standard, but it is not like you just choose to be gay and that’s it. Most gay people I know are struggling with their existences, proving that being gay is somewhat not a choice one’s happily made. Even in their community itself, it is a struggle. Some gay people looks for a real relationship, a real commitment, which is, so I heard, not very easy to find in the gay community. But right or wrong is not ours to judge.
maybe only in amsterdam being gay is like in heaven. *lebay!