just read a blog from someone I know, a young fellow. a very positive thankful blog. 23 years old and contented. I don’t remember being 23 and contented, more like 23 and confuse. why do I always confuse my whole life? oh shoot!

I still can’t sleep bcos of that shitty spv, wish I can say right on his face just fuck off,sir! just fuck off!
someday you might have to take back all your words. a racist bastard! oh damn! feels good to do it!
I tried so hard to be mature and not curse.did not work!

I don’t know how to deal with this. I never thought that I would go to this length. just too much for me.

on the last morning before heading to the airport, I took a last glance to the unit. whisper a silent good bye. everybody was still sleeping, only Paulina awake for her routine study. I will miss the unit, for sure. For the people I knew during 1,5 years of my stay. For the laugh and gossip we share together. I closed one chapter of my life, I knew that’s an end for myself. It had been difficult last few weeks in the unit, mostly bcos of my thesis. Sometimes I just sit on my chair holding a cup of tea and looked outside the window, telling myself that tomorrow will not be the same and I should prepare myself. On the day when the weather is horrible with howling wind and constant rain, I feel safe and alone. Rarely does the horrible weather make me think of warm weather back home. maybe I was too busy. On the way to the departure gate, I think of Bob and try to find words to tell him how grateful I am to have him across the hall. sometime I couldn’t catch up with words he said, or even to understand. But our chat in front of the house is always good times. Good friends, over a cigarette. I sent the message right before boarding and received his reply soon after that. my final good bye, also a good bye to my single life. that night at my seat, I couldn’t stop my tears for hours. I feel very sad, very disappoint about myself. But can not point out one clear reason why, maybe it’s a mix of all the things I had tried to accept without letting myself to get effected too much. at most cases, it was to accept and move on. at that time, being alone I finally able to digest all those one by one. the last words my spv had told me the day before, my last cigarette with Bob and Paulina, my silent goodbyes.

Tuhan, jika nanti suamiku cukup Kau beri rejeki, dan Kau mampukan aku untuk bisa terus bekerja, jauhkan aku dari godaan tas-tas bermek, sepatu-sepatu berharga selangit dan baju-baju tidak perlu. Aku mohon ya Tuhan

my confidence hits rock bottom. Gone to the very last drop

on my recent trip to London, I got cold right after landed back in Amsterdam. Damn that city!
In my last 2 days in London, I managed to walked around the city alone on the tube and infamous double decker. Amazing! Amazingly gloomy! No, I don’t mind stroll around the city alone, I even enjoy it very much. But somehow London gave me a depressing feeling, I can not really point one reason why. It could not be the weather, it was quite nice when I was there. Maybe the people and their dull expression. Maybe a lot of worries on my mind.
But no argue on how extravagant London is. A city of arrogant and lifeless building. It is even more arrogant for cheap traveler like me.

I had a serious symptom of growing up. Learn to let go hatred and move on. set aside anger and pride! oh dear what has happened to me? maybe it’s growing old, instead of growing up.

i like my name, a lot. somehow makes me special, I thank my mom for that, I love her even more when I went to doctor here for the first time. he said my name is a common for dutch. what a visionary mother she is.
so now, from time to time, well yes almost most of the time, I am thinking a name for my child, the future one! I want her to have special name, for a girl. I care less if it is a he. well a boy is not supposed to be known for pretty name, right? Right!
but either boy or girl, I want him/her to have a bigger world than me and si ipin (stupid name,hubby!). I imagine he or she will be cruising around the globe more often that either of the parents at the same age. oh well I just have so many dreams….but yet I am still try to convince myself that labor is a piece of cake. a long way to go

Wonder why a woman can turn into a mother and wife, completely forgetting herself. I guess because woman is a noble creature…hem let’s see!

I don’t remember when was the last time I cried like last night. I had so many moments where I felt like hitting the wall, but I never cry. I never knew that I could cry for the pain from hitting the wall. this is new. it was rather painful than relieve, the crying