I let myself under the blanket this week, to afraid to peek outside. you can’t see the blanket? oh ya, it’s more like a visibility blanket. you can’t see it but I definitely can feel it.
I am just not ready to face this. I can’t be more prepare to see my grandma lying weak in bed, not able to walk around, read or do anything that she used to love to do. It’s just too sad, too heartbreaking.
I am not ready to start another days of work my ass off in postgrad. doing phd. despite all the offer and opportunity, I found myself in the doubt. Just felt so weak.
I really don’t know what to decide at this point.
totally stupid!

how do you feel when you see a picture perfect, portraying everything you wish you had in life? don’t cry,ever. just a sign of weakness. totally lame.
For me, I cannot help to think that there are somethings in life that’s just not your choice. you never choose your parents, never choose whether to be born as a cute baby girl or a cry baby boy.
and complaining about all that is also lame.
darn! isn’t a lot to ask from a person?
you can always say,’ just tough it up!” but after how many times those words become so cliche?
so freaking cliche!!!
but deep down you know it’s true. no other choice than tough it up. well, you can always sit still and do nothing, but then it’s more like waiting to die. which can be a long long long waiting……such a waste.

hello!
I thought radith to say that,” hello!”
he never failed to brighten our days, even Hengky fell in love with him. Yesterday he sang an “almost” complete song of Balonku. and I notice how hengky looked so proud.

can’t wait to have our own son.

I am working on a paper for monday deadline this weekend. I have my two laptops, BB and ipod on the desk. Enough to keep me occupied.
But the little steps and screams of our neighbor’s 2 year old boy can always distract me anytime. He is just adorable.
This morning I broke down in frustration to his mother as she just ignored him alone, while she was busy doing something else. Can’t help to think that I might be a better mother for him, at least I can provide him with enough food and stuffs.
But looking at my desk, I stumble to the fact that I can only provide part of my time, love and devotion. I gave away my heart to something else long ago
maybe my own baby will change everything? Maybe

I need to get it out my system. fast!

about an old friend.
by coincidence, I found out that she has been divorced for over 9 months, for the second time. I’ve been so ignorant about this, that she blamed me for not paying attention about her. I can’t even begin to imagine how she must have felt. When you don’t strike at the first try, consider yourself in bad luck. But when the second try also hit the gutter, you starts to feel like an idiot. But what shocked me the most is the reason of the divorce. Her husband simply said that he wants a better wife, better in terms of religiously. and find himself in the arms of another woman shortly after the divorce.
oh Dear Lord, please don’t let this joke happen to me. I will confuse whether to cry or laugh.
And I felt even sorry for my dear friend, how can a woman be so under-appreciate in her own marriage? under what law and perspective that a man has the right to make such judgment.
Something is going very wrong in the man’s world, especially that man!

on getting Ph.D
I felt like there are so many hands trying to help me. Pulling me to so many directions. and I am just confused.

on the boss
oh crap!

I just don’t have any idea why every time I am in a shitty feeling I remember you. so, let me tell you know, I am just in such a shitty feeling :(

Is it jealousy or envy? is it any differences at all?
I just slowly think that I might be a little jealous. but I don’t want to torture myself with such feeling. oh hell, I am too proud to do that.
oh but I am human, with envy of course.

It was not a life changing experience, of course just a small gadget. But I must be honest that it gives sort of proud sense for having it. Although it was only one of the cheapest version, and second handed from my husband.
The interesting thing is that I have one BB group since the first day. a group of my high school friends, not saying that I am utmost happy about it. just try to catching up some news with them.
But it turns out to be very interesting, reading comments from my guy friends about woman. a successful working woman, sexy woman. I have to say that reading their comments, I love mys husband even more. He may not come from a distinguish family like some of my friends, but he sure do knows how to bring himself as a gentleman. He appreciated my success and fully-understand me as a person with ambition (not just a woman with domestic obligations). Although he tremendously enjoy his wife and our sex life, he would always appear as a gentleman at any time. He will not make comment about other women body appearances, unless it annoys him very much, which rarely happened. even if he must do so, he only speaks to his wife. Well, the fact that he might have done a few bad things in the past only ascertained that he is a man who walk the talk. ah my husband :))

Indahnya bekerja sempit2an semeja dengan suami yg manyun :)
love you beb!

this morning I am so happy without any apparent reasons, this happened a lot in my life, I realize this. Then come to me, maybe I am just dumb. easily feel content over something that is not actually exists. but then again maybe this dumb got me through rough times.
feels good being dumb!