I realize I am a pretty temperamental person, especially dealing with people who I ASSUME fail to work efficiently. parah bener gue.
tp selain itu, sumbu marah jg pendek kayaknya kalo baca status org2 di FB, yg satu preaching yg laen merendah untuk menyombong.
ah capek jg punya sumbu pendek gini

I was constantly questioning myself, am I a dumb or what? the last few months I felt like being un-appreciated (or whatever it names). asides from working my ass off, I don’t feel like I actually made something worth kept. was I working on rubbish? geez!

it was not visible to anyone around me, but I was in such lazy mood this past few weeks. I just felt so unmotivated, I can not even stay still on my desk from 8 to 5. I always left the office 2-3 hours earlier.

there might be many reasons to this current mood, maybe the working atmosphere or ‘something’ else. :)
but seriously, the working atmosphere has been very demotivated lately that I really want to scream out. I felt like I had it. But then again, my hands are tied, can not run away.

I am channeling all this frustration and laziness to this particular sides, I guess it’s fun to read about someone else life when you found a dead end with yours. But it’s actually no fun since I become addicted to it. and of course, forgetting what I suppose to do in the first place.
makes me feel guilty.

I try really hard to get back on my happier mood at the office, I even sit at my desk long enough to do. listing all the chores for coming weeks and try to finish them one by one. It went quite well, then around 3 pm I had the urge to just go home. and I did, after waiting for about 30 minutes (to get over my quilt) and stopped over at the IDP. oh dear Lord, what is happening to me and my body and my mood?….

guess what, home alone on nyepi. sister went to work early this morning, little cousin visited his in-laws to be since 2 days a go. and husband just left for some business meeting look alike.

I’ve been browsing this particular blog, which I am drop dead envied. how I wish to walk away from my job and find a cool freelance somewhere.

daang! everything around me is boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why do I feel like my life now is a constant repetition? The curve has reached the peak of excitement and slowly going down. and I am drop dead boring.

For no specific reason, I felt mentally and physically exhausted.

I don’t like going home to an angry face or unhappy mood, but I do not wish to sit here either, working on this pile of sh*t. I am just tired dealing with your mood swing, I don’t feel human!

my ‘socialite wannabe’ friend told me yesterday that balenciaga bag would not fit me. the bag is too grand for me, for my personality.

and I said to myself,” right back at you,dude!” sapa ya situ?

C’mon! I would never dream to have one, but isn’t cruel to say such thing?

then he suggested me to just buy the classic long champs, and I say,” please,dude! that’s not even a bag, it’s a carrier. I’ve been to Paris, Amsterdam and London, and I know what I am saying.”

*apa maksud posting ini?

it has been over a month now since I went home on December. The first few weeks was actually horrible, I was tortured with guilty and disappointment. I am not completely over that, nor can I say that I will ever be in future. It might still haunt me for years to come. But life moves on and I decided to just live on. Like everybody does.

The question now is whether it was a life changing experience. Well, people says you learn from your mistakes and I can assure myself that it is an absolute truth. I should say now that I learn from my failure. But for the rest of the stuffs, it was not so much.

For me personally, when I arrived in amsterdam for the first time I don’t feel like jumping on and off with excitement. and that goes on during my days there. same happened when I arrived back home. just normal life as usual. I am so numb, damn!

why the lazy and stupid person like me has to deal with grad school again and again? *sigh!

a friend in Italy just sent me his final defense pic, big congratz for him. I envy him. 3 years in Italy is not an easy job, well at least in my own assumption. being one of the only two indonesian in town is beyond my imagination. If I were to put myself in his shoes, i think I would have given up from day one. the city was beautiful, but being alone may be unbearable to me. Still clear to me how the city gave me a cold lonely impression. although the coffee is cheap and superb, the pasta is delicious, the view was just amazing, the city is always magnificent, but the cold and very small apartment, the old university building and people talks in different language beat all the good things.
But I do miss being in europe, when I can have a time for myself.

just read it from someone’s blog….part of learning is to accept your failure and move on. A nice word to read but not very easy in reality. it could haunt your every nights and days like a ghost sucking up your joy and any reasons of being.