January 2010

it has been over a month now since I went home on December. The first few weeks was actually horrible, I was tortured with guilty and disappointment. I am not completely over that, nor can I say that I will ever be in future. It might still haunt me for years to come. But life moves on and I decided to just live on. Like everybody does.

The question now is whether it was a life changing experience. Well, people says you learn from your mistakes and I can assure myself that it is an absolute truth. I should say now that I learn from my failure. But for the rest of the stuffs, it was not so much.

For me personally, when I arrived in amsterdam for the first time I don’t feel like jumping on and off with excitement. and that goes on during my days there. same happened when I arrived back home. just normal life as usual. I am so numb, damn!

why the lazy and stupid person like me has to deal with grad school again and again? *sigh!

a friend in Italy just sent me his final defense pic, big congratz for him. I envy him. 3 years in Italy is not an easy job, well at least in my own assumption. being one of the only two indonesian in town is beyond my imagination. If I were to put myself in his shoes, i think I would have given up from day one. the city was beautiful, but being alone may be unbearable to me. Still clear to me how the city gave me a cold lonely impression. although the coffee is cheap and superb, the pasta is delicious, the view was just amazing, the city is always magnificent, but the cold and very small apartment, the old university building and people talks in different language beat all the good things.
But I do miss being in europe, when I can have a time for myself.

just read it from someone’s blog….part of learning is to accept your failure and move on. A nice word to read but not very easy in reality. it could haunt your every nights and days like a ghost sucking up your joy and any reasons of being.