October 2009

‘your English is not very good’
can not seems to get over that comment, especially after I re-read my own writing for zillion of times now.
maybe third opinion will help.

still figuring out which word that actually hurt me the most.

I guess when you’re young, the whole reason of life is finding the meaning of being. looking for words of wisdom about every single misery and joy happen around you. trying to find a lead to get out of confusion. being a drama queen. being over excited over nothing. being over depressed on minor accident. was it good those days? I don’t quite remember. I was always cynical and skeptic. not very easy to believe. but never once I felt at lost.

is the secret I was not willing to share, is the story you would not want to listen. is what always got me so lonely.

I could not resist the temptation. although in the end it only make me sad. but I miss him the most. He is in fact already a blurry memory from years ago, like an old picture fades on white and brown tone. But the warm and secure I received from him is still clear to me. when I needed the most, he is the man. save me from misery as I saved him his love the day I was conceived. such a funny fate that lingers between us. I gave him what he wants for exchange of my life. and he gave me the world as exchange of his.
this temptation of take a sneak peek of what might have been was so very strong. despite of the sadness, there is a glimpse of a dream never to be told, never to come true.

what to do when life suddenly takes the unexpected turn? or is there such things as unexpected turn?

In the last a month, I’ve been juggling to finish my writing for master thesis. wake up to bunch of plan and worry in my head. even go to bed still thinking how would I analyse this and that. But yesterday I decided to stop for while, a day or two. just to take a step away from my writing for a while, maybe then I got a different angle of what I have been writing.

For the first few hours, I was beyond happiness, watched the office in rally, tracing back Jim and Pam story. Then after that, I was left with nothing..suddenly I felt that nothing interests me anymore. so boring to the point where I was not even tired enough to go to bed. So looked at the book besides my laptop, grab it and start reading. verification for qualitative data analysis. Put my favorite drama on, and start reading. Finish one chapter and then I am sleepy.

amazing how I can always train myself to obey the regularity of my mind. how it goes in my brain is that I always arrange my brain to only deal with one thing at the time, for quite a long period until I am finished. I did not allow too many distraction. just one at the time. During husband’s visit, It was hell for me trying to concentrate to my thesis. So I just drop it and enjoy his company during the 3 months he was here. Few days before going home, he said,” I am going home now and you must be very happy, coz you can go back to your busy life again. busy with yourself.” Apparently he knew that I enjoy me time too much, and juggling between wife and student is not my area of expertise. *shy

But this habit started to bother me now, cos I want to have a baby and starting my PhD at the same time. Am I greedy? oh dear no! I am just running out of time. I want to have baby and PhD before turning 35….oh wait, yes I am greedy. dear husband if only you know I would be like this, maybe you’ll think hundreds of time before take me down the aisle.

at the silent and cold night like now, when I suppose to work on my current academic obsession, I can only think of you. Laying on our bed thousand of miles away. the though of you kept me warm and sane. you, my pain in the ass partner, wonder why GOD brought us together….or is it just me being stubborn? hi3x

miss my best friends the most. some of them are everywhere in the world, pursuing higher degree of stupidity abroad. my turn will come too soon, pursuing personal head damage. but some of them is back home, i just miss being trapped in the conversation with them, laughed a lot. cursing the world and what life brings even though we’re no longer teenagers. over a glass of coffee and cigarettes. maybe this is why I refuse to surrender to being 30 and over. I just don’t know how to act like an adult. a reasonable well-mannered adult. some other days maybe

been thinking about my priority lately. strange how nothing seems important to me anymore. nothing seems worth to fight for anymore. nothing really moves me anymore. one time at my friend’s funeral I forced myself to cry only cos my other friends cried. seems like no tragedy can move me anymore. no worry can startle my being. maybe I learn to live and let go damn too well.